So starting all of this, I didn't look at Catholicism as a lifestyle change, but as a Sunday job of trying to get 3 kids ready for church, to sit down, focus and for hopefully myself to hear something in the message that would relate to whatever it is was I was going through. Something I would relate too so I no longer felt alone, so that I knew someone, even way back when, had felt what I was feeling. Maybe even pick up some pointers for life along the way. It wasn't about reevaluating myself, it wasn't about changing my choices and having to rethink every word, every thought, every action I made, EVER. I didn't think confession would help me, I didn't think baptism would feel like something I NEEDED. I didn't know the Eucharist would be something fulfilling. Something to long for. I just thought I would go to church every Sunday, do my part and hopefully be a better role model and learn something, maybe make some new friends, but nothing life changing, nothing earth shattering, and definitely not something that would make me form a conscience that would be my own worst critic and best friend all at the same time.
I started the RCIA classes with what I thought was an open mind. I had certain ideas set for my life, set ways and what not. Ideals and practices. What I thought was a pretty good moral compass turned out to be completely off kilter. I don't know if being introduce to the Catholic faith earlier on in life would have impacted me as much as it has now, at almost 30, with 3 kids, and a life in constant turmoil. They say God has a way of bringing you to what you need, when you need it, not when you want it or on your time, but on HIS time. This is something I firmly now believe. Not so much before.
My life before starting this journey was self focused. Even though most of what I did I thought was for my kids, it still benefited me in some way, somehow. My goals were selfish, my thoughts weren't unique. They served a purpose, most likely mine, sometime others if I deemed necessary. My own thoughts kept me on a path that had me repeating the same mistakes over and over, with no change, no answering for my sins, no being absolved of my mistakes. I wasn't accountable for my actions to anyone but me. Ha, boy did I have a learning process to go through. A 9 month journey, much like giving birth to a new me, so don't let the 9 months fool you, the time frame reference is not lost on me at all. If at the end of the RCIA process you haven't had a major swing in some way, then I'm not sure you're listening. Even cradle Catholics that sat through the class as sponsors learned a thing or two from our crash course in Catholicism.
So I say this, do you need the change, feel like you're missing something? Is your life so self driven and self focused that you can't see past the end of your own nose? The Catholic way of life has shown me that giving is a much more gratifying option than seeing how much I can get. That forgiveness, no matter how hard, is of much more value than holding a grudge because your own feelings are hurt. That no matter how alone you feel here on earth, no matter how hard you struggle, that there is someone much more powerful that loves us no matter what we do, and that with His angels and saints, with His Holy Mother, we are much better off alone, than living a sinful life that pushes us to do things we wish we could bury.
"Dear Lord, Please don't let this journey end. Don't ever let me feel fulfilled enough to stop being a child of your faith. Guide my actions and my words. And let me be an example of your light and of your love so that you can touch lives through me. Let me be your hands and your feet dear Lord, to carry your message wherever I may go. Let them see you in me so that they can start their journey back to You, back home. In Jesus' name, we pray, Amen"
